Sand and Pearls

Arrived at Nish’s farm fed up, anxious, exhausted, feeling harried, useless, frustrated.  Yes, I could see Gecko Mind.  Last sesshin Nish had harried me,

“Who, who is watching?  Who is feeling this?  Who is noticing that??  Owl Mind.  Who, who, who!

And every time I look, I only find…me, looking.  Aaaaargh.  But this morning, Nish took me back to that fear; that terror of annihilation.  Yes, there it is, the “I” which is so afraid of Not Being.  So desperately trying to be the Seer and not the Seen.

I struggled and struggled and became more and more exhausted, intensely fed up.  Went back to the hotel, tried to get the ‘bit between my teeth’, was sure I was close to it.

So determined.  Terrier Mind.

Knew that if I followed it, noticing, noticing, that I would encounter the terror again:  that the terror was the portal.

But now the childish sense impulses arose as I sat down to meditate.  It was so silly and so compelling. First the room was too cold.  I warmed it up.

Then I was too sleepy.  I slept, set an alarm to wake up and meditate.  Got up.

The room was too dark.  Turned on the lights – the lights were too bright and ugly.  Turned them off; lit a candle – became anxious that the wax would drop on Holly’s carpet.  Got angry with myself; blew out the candle, sat down with an exasperated bump.

Then there was an irritating seed caught between my teeth underneath the steel retainer.  Got up, flossed my teeth, saying to myself all the time, “Oh, for goddssakes!”  Then decided to at least be mindful about it, so I brushed my teeth very thoroughly, flossed them thoroughly, then went and sat back down on my meditation chair with another disgusted thump.

Nothing at first.  Back to Monkey Mind, not even Gecko Mind.  Looked.  Looked.  Noticing, noticing thoughts, sensations, feelings – trapped, trapped, trapped.

Hungry.

GAVE UP.