As to smiling, and kindness, this is something I have spent the last twenty or more years exploring, because I have never felt myself to be a “naturally kind” person. So, early in my twenties, I decided I wanted to become so, and over the last thirty years of working at it, I’ve learned some things about kindness.
It seems to me that perhaps one’s true nature is always kind when you peel back the many layers of fear. And it is also true that it is fear that prevents kindness. Similarly, it is a failure to cultivate mindful awareness that allows us to be thoughtless.
Some people seem naturally kind. Certainly my son is like that, and I marvel at it and admire it — he has been kind and thoughtful toward others since becoming self-aware (at about six months, sometimes sooner, babies become aware of themselves as separate from others, with volition) — even as a baby he was kind both to me, and to other children.
Perhaps it is because some people grow up in a relatively non-threatening environment in which their needs are met, and they feel largely full and satisfied — emotionally, cognitively, physically; perhaps it is innate. Most probably, like everything human, it is some combination of the two.
But for those of us for whom kindness is not our first impulse, I have been very fortunate to discover that it can be learned. My husband tells me he how he has learned to be kind — his learning is a constant source of inspiration to me. It helps to see it modelled in others, but I found early on that it won’t magically ‘rub off’ without work. We must work on our fear. What are we afraid of? For myself, as an INTP, I know I am very often afraid of being invaded by the Other, or having something needed or demanded of me that I am frightened I am not quite up to delivering.
People have told me that they are afraid of being somehow ‘depleted’ by kindness — and perhaps this may be the centre of the issue. Are we frightened that we will ‘give away’ something we cannot spare? Our reluctance to be kind comes from a certain sense of inner deprivation; we are not quite ‘full’ and easy with ourselves.
And if we ourselves are not ‘full’; if we are not fully relaxed and satisfied with ourselves and who we are and what we are; what we are doing and what we have done, we will feel this ‘deprivation’ — this feeling of something lacking. And this in its turn, leads to a kind of emotional ‘hoarding’ and self-protectiveness, which prevents kindness.
I am terrified! If I get myself a life, then I will have to live it!
And so, it seems to me, paradoxically, the first step in being kind is a sort of selfishness — but not in the way of hoarding or keeping or following our selfish impulses; but rather in a way of being thoroughly and ruthlessly self-responsible. We must work at not expecting others to meet our needs; we must also work at discovering what our real needs are, and filling them in a constructive, sustainable and grownup manner. Discovering our true values is hard work–as opposed to those which are borrowed, adopted, unconscious or only vaguely understood — and may take a long time. And then as one of my delightful clients said to me, “I am terrified! If I get myself a life, then I will have to live it!” Living our lives congruent with our values, in a flexible, always questioning, open way then becomes the effort of a lifetime.
But it is rewarding work! After years of it, I have noticed myself becoming ‘full’ — mostly satisfied with myself and my relationships with others — even when I am not happy with the way some part of my life is going — money– work — health. For in the process of of learning to be self-responsible, I have had to learn (there is no other way!) to be kind and generous, forgiving and encouraging, and boundaried with the Self ; with myself– in precisely the same way a parent needs to be with a child. and then, it is as natural as breathing to turn this generous, encouraging spirit toward others. Kindness.
Sophia and friend
I have learned, not just through my direct experience of myself, but through experience of hundreds (even by now perhaps more than two thousand!) other people I have worked with — that once we become ‘full’ through grownup self-responsibility, a human being automatically gives. This too, is human nature.
Once this began, I discovered that I needed work hard and diligently at the judeo-christian notion of reciprocity imbedded in me. This notion is DEEPLY destructive. Kindness is to give without expectation — we must become aware of and refuse the notions — either that the Other will put our kindness to good use, or that the Other will reciprocate the kindness.
We must be kind for one reason alone; because we value kindness.
When I began to do it this way, life became very joyful indeed. But still, and always, — I have to work like a terrier on this notion of reciprocity which creeps back in and tries to reduce both my kindness and my fullness to a balance sheet.
Further Reading
Phillips, Adam; Taylor, Barbara. On Kindness.
- Hardcover: 128 pages
- Publisher: Hamish Hamilton (1 Jan 2009)
- ISBN-10: 0241144337
- ISBN-13: 978-0241144336
- Amazon UK Link
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